Dealing

Thank you everyone for your love and support and advice! I know I'm not the only one to struggle with these feelings, and that really does help. Talia and I both had a better night last night. I'm feeling a little more rested and capable today. I have a visit with a good friend planned for this afternoon. She always cheers me up, so that will be fun. And bonus, her husband is a chiropractor, so I am going to see if he will adjust me too. I have been getting headaches a lot which doesn't help me deal with my life.

My mom bought a plane ticket to come visit me in February too. It's nice to have that to look forward to. I guess if you whine and cry and have a mental breakdown you get a visit from your mom (in case you were trying to figure out how to get your mother to come visit you). :) No, but really, having my mom around makes me feel like there is someone to take care of me instead of me taking care of everyone. I can't wait for her to come!

Ian had to work late last night, so we didn't get as much time to talk as I would have liked, but I did get the ok from him to deal with this however I think will be best. I've always felt like I'm a little bit of a crazy person (who doesn't sometimes?), but I think I am going to find a therapist to talk to. I'm hoping that a few sessions will help me understand and deal with this better. My sister pointed out that a therapist might also be able to give me some good tools to help me cope.

I also want to buy an elliptical machine for my house. I know that sounds weird, but I feel tons better when I exercise. However, the logistics of getting to the gym with 3 kids at home are an obstacle. I really like the idea of being able to hop on there and get some endorphins going whenever I have a free 20 or 30 minutes.

Finally I am going to try to be more specific and open about the things I need from my counselors in my YW presidency. Tonight for our activity we are going to plan the mutual activities until summer. I'm hoping that will help me feel more prepared and less like I'm constantly scrambling around to plan and execute mutual nights. Also that means if I need to step away for a little bit there will be a plan in place for someone else to take over.

Today my head is above water. Hopefully I'll learn to keep it there.

The Dark Side

I don't know what to do. I am drowning. Every time my head breaks the surface and I get a gulp of air and think, just maybe, I am going to be able to swim a huge wave crashes over me and I'm pushed back down. This ocean of exhaustion, responsibility, and inadequacy seems endless. I lose track of which way is up and which way is down. I'm cold and alone. I do my best, but it's never enough, and certainly never good enough. There's no sound of rescue helicopters overhead either. Just whining, fighting, and crying. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. No lighthouse in sight to fight towards. I am drowning in motherhood.

Just writing that makes me feel guilty. I should feel all happiness and roses about being a mom, right? It should bring me ultimate fulfillment. But I'm not perfect and I'm not perfectly happy. Is this my fault? Probably. But I believe in owning up to how I feel whether it's rational or not. Even if I know I should feel something different I can't pretend that I'm not drowning.

Oh, believe me, I try to pretend. I go to church, I fulfill my responsibilities with a smile on my face. I teach at the last minute, I plan activities and put them together all by myself, I attend my meetings and make it look like I have it all together. I impress people. But what they don't know is that in the wee hours of the morning, when I know I have 5 hours (at best) before I have to start the entire charade of my life over again, I lose it. I am angry, resentful, depressed. This is the side of my life you don't see. And I'm drowning in it.

One Month

It has been a whole month since Talia joined us! Can you believe it? It seriously goes by so fast. We are very in love with our sweet baby girl. She is starting to be awake more these days and is slowly outgrowing her newborn clothes. Mostly she still is in newborn outfits, but there are a couple that are too small now and a couple 0-3 month clothes that are starting to not drown her. I'm guessing that she weighs 7 pounds a few ounces. She is still pretty tiny. I am still hoping her eyes will be blue. They are a gray-blue right now and in natural light they look bluer.
The novelty of "baby sister" has sort of worn off, so she gets held a little less by her brothers, but that's ok. She hasn't been quite as good of a sleeper lately too. She's still not bad, but she has gone from a 6 hour stretch at night to 4 hours, which means I'm usually up twice in the night now. Oh well. She's a fast nurser and generally goes right back to sleep. Happy Birthday Talia!
As for life as a mom of 3? Well, it's busy. Especially when we are trying to get ready for the day. It seems like it's awhile before I get a chance to get myself ready, but we usually make it to school and church on time, so I would say we're doing pretty good. This week we are going to attempt our first real outing (like not to someone else's house). I hope I don't lose anyone. :)

This last picture just made me laugh. Weston drew this book at school and told me that I was on the left and Grandma B was on the right. Love the hair! He later dictated words to the book and we are mailing it to Grandma B. It's a keepsake! Just kidding. Love you Mom! He was truly very proud of it.

January Blues?

I have definitely been hit by the baby blues/postpartum mood swings. Yikes! By the end of last week (my first week of normal schedules and real life) I was starting to get a little bored and depressed/moody. I was grumpy and feeling a overwhelmed and under-appreciated. I cried.

Today I'm feeling better. I had a friend come over to visit and watch some Pride and Prejudice this morning. That was fun. I didn't have to do any preschool runs, so I haven't had to go out in the cold today. The sun is shining. And I have M&M's in the cupboard. :)

I am also just super duper excited about the new bathing suit I got! I know, I know, it's January, but guess what? The best deals on bathing suits are sometimes found in the off season.
Isn't is adorable?!? (sorry the picture is so small, but I'm not posting a picture of me in it just yet) It looks really cute on too. It will look better when I've reached my goal of losing another 20 pounds, but still. And I love the yellow accents. Such a sunny, happy color. But you know what the best part is? It was on sale for $15, plus 10% off (using code "jenswim") made it only $20 shipped!

I have another bathing suit from this same company (www.limericki.com) and I love them both! Here's why:
-It's a one piece! They are hard to find. Especially cute ones.
-It is fully lined front and back which makes everything look smooth and slim (even though it's not).
-These suits are cut very modestly. Nice and high in front and relatively low in the legs. When you're chasing kids around a pool you don't want to worry about flashing the other moms/dads or constantly adjusting your straps and pulling out wedgies.

www.limericki.com also sells modest tankinis. I haven't ever bought any of them, but they sure are cute too. Right now all their in stock one pieces are on great sale! Check out the awesome sale HERE!
***I was not paid or in any way compensated for this post. I just really like my new bathing suit.

Nothing to combat the winter/baby blues like dreams of summer and shopping. Am I right ladies? However, I'm going to have to rely on chocolate and romantic comedies this week because we are doing our first "no spend" week of the year. During "no spend" week we ideally buy nothing, but I am going to have to buy a few essentials (milk, fruit, preschool snack for tomorrow) this week. We are piggybacking "no eat out" week with "no spend" week since it just made sense, but we would save more money and be more healthy if we made "no eat out" week a different week. We'll get there. Hooray for 2011!

Random Cuteness

On New Year's Eve we had a lot of snow outside. Ian took the boys sledding. Weston loved it. Davin says he loves it, but really he just got cold and couldn't sled by himself so he was less happy about the whole thing.
Another fun thing over the break was video games! We borrowed the Wii from Ian's work and the boys played lots of MarioKart. Then for Christmas my sister's family gave us their favorite computer game, Plants v. Zombies. Weston loves it. It's too hard for Davin, but he still likes watching Weston and Ian play. Ian set it up so they could play on the big TV in the living room. He's the best techno daddy. :)
This little video gem is of Weston doing the dance he learned at preschool for the family before all his grandparents left. It was so stinkin' funny. This is when we had him re-do it for the camera, so it's not quite as hilarious as it was the first time, but still pretty classic. Of course, Davin couldn't be left out.

On New Year's Eve Ian hung the new curtain rods and curtains in the baby's room. The nursery finally looks done. I still have a few girly, frilly touches I want to add, but for now it's done. I love it! Thanks again for the curtains Den! And the cross stitch wall hanging Mom!
Last but not least, enjoy some random adorable pics of Talia. I have to take her picture every time she wears a new outfit pretty much, and these are a few of my faves.

Cute heart outfit courtesy of Great Grandma Bowles and cute Davin face.
Fun flower outfit courtesy of Auntie Jules. You can't see it, but there is a flower on the bum of the pants too. So adorable.
My first normal week of life with 3 kids is going well. I started carpooling to preschool on Mondays and Wednesdays with my friend whose daughter is in the 3 year old class on those days. She takes them in the morning and I pick up at 11:35am. It's nice not having to get everyone out the door early on those days.

We have mostly just been staying home because it's hard doing outings with 3 kids. Plus it hasn't been above 30 degrees all week. Brrr. My goal is to do one outing a week in January. After that it's to be determined.

I went to Young Women's last night and it was kind of nice being back. It's going to busy and hectic with 3 kids and Ian in the bishopric, but hopefully it will work out. I need to find another good person to help out since one of my counselors is going to be released and my one advisor is having her 3rd baby in February (oh, and her husband is the EQ president. Can you tell we are short on people to fill callings?). Sigh.

Anyway, so far so good. My days are a little slow, so if you want to come visit and hold a sweet little newborn and chat with me, then give me a call and we'll set it up!

Ringin' in the New!

We had a nice New Year's with friends, food, and games. I decided to put the boys to bed at more or less normal time. I'm glad I did because we got to enjoy an adults only (well, except for Talia) game of Settlers. Weston loved doing the poppers this year. I bought those spinning crank noise makers, but then decided they were a bad idea and didn't give them to the kids. :)

We did some shopping on New Year's Day, which was really quite fun. Ian and I both got some new clothes at Old Navy. I didn't find a calendar at Barnes and Noble that I liked enough to look at for an entire year, so I ordered one online, but it hasn't come and it's kind of bugging me not having a calendar yet. Hopefully it will arrive soon.

I ordered this one. (Thanks for the suggestions Jenn!)

Our Sunday meeting schedule changed to the 9-12 time. It was rough getting up in the dark at 6:30am to get everyone ready for church, but it sure was nice to come home at noon and eat lunch and nap. Everyone had naps and quiet time. Love it! We had a little FHE later in the evening and talked about setting goals then wrote some down.

Weston's 2011 Goals:
-Graduate from preschool (this one shouldn't be much of a challenge as long as he keeps going)
-Learn how to read
-Give a primary talk all by myself

Davin's 2011 Goals:
-Learn to use the potty
-Learn a primary song and sing it for the family
-Learn all of his ABC's

I thought the kids' ideas for goals were pretty cute. We did help with some suggestions, but mostly they came up with them on their own. We also set some family goals. Today I finally had a chance to sit down and get my own 2011 resolutions down on paper.

11 Things I Want to Do in 2011:
1. Lose 20 pounds by my 10 year high school reunion
2. Eat less sweets and more veggies
3. Read the New Testament with Sunday School
4. Save 10% of our income
5. Spend less money on non-essentials/do one "no spend" week each month
6. Build up our food storage
7. Learn to bake bread using wheat and our new wheat grinder
***If you have a good bread recipe, wheat or not, send it my way!
8. Stay out of debt (aka don't use the credit card)
9. Learn to play the organ
10. Plan a date night once a month
11. Play more with the boys

Play Time!

The Monday after Talia's blessing was the day we said goodbye to Ian's parents and grandma. It was so great having them here for awhile. They are so fun and helpful. The boys were sad to see their playmates leave. Luckily my family had just gotten here and stayed for a little longer, so the boys weren't completely out of people to hang out with. Monday afternoon us Olson girls did some shopping. I actually (amazingly) didn't find anything I loved, but I did play stylist for my mom and she got her winter school wardrobe all put together at Nordstrom Rack. We also hit the mall, which was crazy crowded. It was fun to be out shopping with my mom and sisters.
Jules and Mel really wanted to build a snowman, but there really wasn't quite enough snow on the ground. They managed to put together a couple tiny snowmen. Davin thought they were pretty cool.
On Tuesday Talia had her 2 week check up. She was up to a whopping 7 pounds and had grown a quarter inch. She was a champ and didn't fuss much during her check up or her PKU (heel poke). It was nice that Ian and I were able to take her together without any other kids. We went out to lunch on our way home and it was almost like a date! :)

After lunch we all went to the dinosaur museum at Thanksgiving Point. Our pass expires in a couple weeks, so we were trying to get our money's worth. Plus, it's Davin's favorite outing. When we first got there we all went into the little NASA space exhibit, but Davin decided he just couldn't wait to see the big shark, so he ran through the entire museum to the shark. I felt like such a failure. I'd only had 3 kids for two weeks and I was already losing them. Yikes. Luckily between Ian, me, and a museum employee searching the museum we found him hanging out with the shark.
After that we went back to the beginning of the museum and I pretty much didn't take my eyes off Davin for the rest of the outing. We had a good time. There is so much to see there and most of my family had never been there.
We went to dinner at Buca di Beppo after the museum. That was Mel's request. It was yummy and we ordered just the right amount of food. Mmm. When we went home we played Apples to Apples and hung out together (in our matching PJ's). I'm always sad when I know it's the last night with family, but I think we made the most of our time together.
Nobody had to leave until Wednesday afternoon, so in the morning we all went bowling except Mel and Brad who wanted to shop. We probably should have stuck with one game of bowling, but I enjoyed playing two and even broke 100 in my second game. After bowling we met up with Brad and Mel for lunch at Kneaders. It was a hit as usual. They just have such good sandwiches and brownies.
It started snowing hard about 15 minutes after we got home, so Mom and Dad and Jules headed out for the airport right on time. Of course their plane ended up being delayed about 6 hours because of the snow, so that was a bummer. If we had known we would have kept them here for a little longer. I'm glad they made it home safely that night though. Mel and Brad left about the same time as Mom and Dad to drive home to Rexburg, but they only got a couple miles from our house before they decided the roads were too bad to drive that night. They turned around and came back. You know I loved that! We took down Christmas, played Mario Kart, and watched more Community with them. They crashed here then got up early and left Thursday morning. We woke up to a quiet house. We sure miss having everyone here. Probably the boys miss it the most. Talia actually got set down for naps too, which she wasn't too pleased about, but she's adjusting fine. Thanks everyone for making the effort to come and spend Christmas with us! We love you!