I don't know what to do. I am drowning. Every time my head breaks the surface and I get a gulp of air and think, just maybe, I am going to be able to swim a huge wave crashes over me and I'm pushed back down. This ocean of exhaustion, responsibility, and inadequacy seems endless. I lose track of which way is up and which way is down. I'm cold and alone. I do my best, but it's never enough, and certainly never good enough. There's no sound of rescue helicopters overhead either. Just whining, fighting, and crying. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. No lighthouse in sight to fight towards. I am drowning in motherhood.
Just writing that makes me feel guilty. I should feel all happiness and roses about being a mom, right? It should bring me ultimate fulfillment. But I'm not perfect and I'm not perfectly happy. Is this my fault? Probably. But I believe in owning up to how I feel whether it's rational or not. Even if I know I should feel something different I can't pretend that I'm not drowning.
Oh, believe me, I try to pretend. I go to church, I fulfill my responsibilities with a smile on my face. I teach at the last minute, I plan activities and put them together all by myself, I attend my meetings and make it look like I have it all together. I impress people. But what they don't know is that in the wee hours of the morning, when I know I have 5 hours (at best) before I have to start the entire charade of my life over again, I lose it. I am angry, resentful, depressed. This is the side of my life you don't see. And I'm drowning in it.
How To Develop Value-Based Spending Habits
3 years ago
24 comments:
I'm so sorry -- it's more normal thing than you think, you're not alone! When I had Annie it was the hardest thing I'd ever done -- I felt inadequate and unable to keep myself going.
Here are my suggestions -- use what feels right or useful, and ignore what doesn't . . .
1.) No more pretending. Lower your expectations -- you have a newborn and two young children. This is NOT a time to be teaching at the last minute or planning activities. Heck, in my opinion it's barely a time for dishes, laundry and showers :-)
2.) Find some friends, ward members, etc who will take the boys for a few hours. Nothing reinvigorates quite like an hour or two alone with the baby (assuming she's not colicky, then it's a whole different situation), and then a nap while the baby naps.
3.) Just say 'no'! I'm in the Relief Society Presidency, and I didn't do one thing for my calling for a solid three months. Not a meeting, didn't plan an activity, and even at six months old I've only made it to half the R.S lessons -- just if Isaac's awake, doesn't need to be fed and is in a good mood . . . and the kids are all healthy. My R.S. President pulled me off the teaching and conducting schedule through March. MARCH -- and I had my baby LAST JULY. That is one wise woman. I actually covered and conducted yesterday, and it's been enough time now that I really miss teaching, but it's been important to not have any 'Church' expectations beyond my own personal religious experiences (my own temple, prayer and scripture reading goals) for awhile. (I have been back to visits and meetings once I felt comfortable, but it was a few months.) If you do not have a YW support system in place to pick up the slack (I know some small Wards don't have enough people called to cover), then you need to ask to be temporarily released. You, your mental health and your children are the priority right now and everything else can, and should, slip.
Continued . . .
You will be in my prayers! I had an easy transition to three, but my transition to one can only be described as HELLISH r. I had SUCH a hard time and felt I would never get out of it. All I can say, with my six month old in my lap, is that time goes by quickly. Let go of some of your expectations for yourself . . . are the kids fed and changed? Then, you're doing your job! Realize that this is one of those 'times and seasons' . . . and it's shockingly short, things will be different before you know it, and it won't have mattered if your house was pristine or if you missed your meetings and made someone else plan activities for a few months.
You take care of you and your kids and nothing else for a month or two and I think it would do you a world of good!
And, if after letting go of some of the responsibilities and stress and expectations, you still feel the same, go and talk to someone. Postpartum stuff isn't anything to mess with. I just read this blog the other day, http://www.jetsetcarina.com/2011/01/fighting-nothing.html, and it talked about how she lost a year of her life to the 'dark side', and how she wasn't going to let that happen again after her next baby.
I'm sorry again, I am totally sympathetic -- this motherhood gig can be REALLY ROUGH at times, and we need to cut ourselves a break when things get tough. Remember, each phase of motherhood is shockingly short. Which means two things, 1.) it's over quickly (great when it's night waking, sad when it's a cuddly toddler) and 2.) You don't want to miss it because you're committed to more people, things and activities than can reasonably be handled with three small children at home.
If you think company would help, we could come out sometime and visit . . . make sure you get people around you, and be honest and open with those you're closest too, so they can make sure that the void you're stuck in doesn't engulf you without you realizing it.
I hope everyone else has some good advice, and you'll find the one or two things that make a difference for you!
Oh, and NO, it's not your fault.
Shannon
I'm so glad you're being real about stuff and I'm so sorry it's so hard right now. I agree with everything Hillary said. It's okay not to do it all, and it's okay to be real about it. From a President to a President, I think delegating is the way to go until things feel a little bit more manageable. Hang in there, and know that I'm rooting for you!
Oh, another thought -- could you get a 'temporary committee'? Our Ward is all about the temporary committee's lately, and when I was out of commission for a few months, we just had a couple women (our teachers/VT supervisors) to kinda cover some stuff, planning activities, setting them up and stuff. Maybe you could get some 'subs' to cover for you for a month or two -- I bet there's a few mom's or past leaders who'd love to do YWs for just a short block of time . . .
Just an idea . . .
I wish I could do something---and give you a hug. I totally know where you're coming from. I don't remember anything from after Kyle was born from like October to April. It was all a fog of feeling that way. And I'm glad I don't remember. I don't think there was a day that all three of us were dressed in clean clothes in all that time. It just seemed to hard to be clean and dressed. That feeling of drowning is so exactly how I felt. Sometimes when I went to bed I didn't even feel like my head was above water---just my nose :)
From someone who's been there and has a therapist as a husband: Go talk to someone! Most insurances will cover therapy. If yours doesn't go to the student clinics at the U or the Y for $25 a session. The students are constantly supervised by professionals. It's amazing what just talking to someone can do. They'll have little steps for you to accomplish and being held accountable to someone for them is useful. I had just three sessions with a therapist supplied by the Moran Center--she said a bunch of things that really changed my perspective.
There are medications---but think long and hard and do research before jumping in. They take 3-6 weeks to make a difference, and usually in that time we start to feel better anyway. And quitting them was the worst experience in my life. I was physically ill for 6 weeks. (I quit because I couldn't afford it and wanted another baby.)
If you do decide to find a therapist make sure to get an LMFT vs an LCSW. An lcsw is just a social worker with more training in policy and procedure than therapy.
Also, I just finished Brent Top's book "When you can't do it alone" about his experience with depression as a mission president. It's super helpful.
You're not alone in how you feel, and I think I was there last week! But this week is fine. I think that's how it goes though...recovering and all.
We'll talk more when you guys come up next week. In the mean time hang in there! And have Ian give you a blessing.
Love you!
You most likely have post-partum depression. Hang in there! It is a dark time, but there are things you can do. First and foremost, sleep as much you can. Don't worry about the house. It will still be there tomorrow. Be gentle with yourself. And definitely seek some professional help. You are probably thinking that this shouldn't be a big deal, you should be able to handle it. But, having a baby and all of the changes that come with that is singularly enough to throw a life into chaos. Add 2 more kids to the mix, and that's one major challenge. The best news is that, although you may not see it right now, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.
Btw--I've had similar things happen when I had my girls. Mine usually sets in a little later though. I didn't figure it out until Whitney was 6 mos. old. By then I didn't feel like adding more chemicals into my chaos was the best option for me. I chose to see a naturopath and was able to take care if it through that avenue. So, I thought I'd put that out there for you.
One more thing. Is there a young woman in the ward that would, for one of her projects, come be a mother's helper for you in the afternoons? You could take a nap or just have an extra pair of hands as you make this transition. Just a thought...
Hang in there. You are an amazing person--even when you don't feel like it. :)
Dude, I totally have breakdowns too when I feel like, "how many times am I going to wipe down this kitchen table, sweep this same floor, fold this same laundry OVER and OVER for the rest of my life?!?!" haha so yeah, I have been there. Shannon, you and I have both always been over-achievers... we're used to accomplishing most things we put our minds to. We want everything just right, and we feel like we CAN do it if we're just strong enough. But being a stay-at-home mom of 3 has taught me that it's not true, I can't do it all. I can't keep my house clean. Someday I will, but not right now. My kids don't get baths as much as they used to, they don't go to bed on time or have schedules like they used to. I've had to learn to let things go, and I know you're experiencing the same thing. It kinda sucks. Hang in there. Does getting out help or just stress you out more? If you want to postpone our outing Thursday, let me know! Okay love you tons, Shannon, I'm glad you have the courage to be honest about your feelings, I admire you in so many ways. :) Love ya!
See someone. Call me. (Don't think that'll make you feel better, since I feel like this every day, too.) Talk to someone who understands—and that is probably going to mean someone who's been there. (Three days ago, I poured out my soul to someone I love very much, but who has never been depressed. She didn't even acknowledge it.)
Leave the house. Stay in. Turn on the TV. Turn it off. Whatever you're doing now, try the opposite.
One thing that helped me last week was an attitude shift. #3's sleep was a big issue (she has always woken up between 6-7 and I can't take that). I told myself sleeping past 6 was just a bonus. It really helped (until she changed wakeup time to 2 AM).
I think you should ask for help, but I'm scared to recommend it. It's almost more work for me to find someone to watch my kids than to just bring them wherever I'm going.
Oh, AND: find/remember what you do like about motherhood.
(I know, the first answer is either "Nothing" or a snort. Dig deeper. Think about the things you like to do with the kids that they like and that keeps them from fighting/bugging you. Ours are baking [from mixes!] and coloring and reading—little things that are easy to do and we like. They make us happy.)
I told one of my friends yesterday that I think the modern version of "This too shall pass" should be a little more realistic: "This sucks. But you'll live. You don't have a choice."
Oh girl, this is rough. I haven't ever had Postpartum depression, so I can't tell ya if that is what's going on. But I am CONFIDENT that it is NOT your fault. There is nothing wrong with you for being overwhelmed or even unhappy in the challenges of motherhood. It doesn't make you a bad mom, mean that you don't love your kids, or that you aren't as celestial as you hoped. You are still a beloved daughter of God, on the path to return to Him. Don't feel like you are to blame for the darkness. You aren't.
I don't have any great advice, actually. I remember being overwhelmed and sitting on the cold kitchen floor crying when Gwen was 7 months old because she just kept crying my name over and over and I felt like I just couldn't take another minute of being a mom. As I recall that feeling lasted for several months. I'd offer suggestions But I don't remember how I learned to swim. Maybe I didn't. Maybe the water just slowly receded with time. Hang in there. One minute, one hour, one morning or afternoon or night at a time will turn into one day at a time. and all the previous advice sounds great. Do what helps you. and that might change from day to day. And that is okay.
Shannon!
You are not crazy. Just say that to yourself when you feel like you are losing your bearings. I have to all the time. Especially with Reid being so 2 right now I really feel like the non-stop fighting and getting into stuff and waking up too early and not going to bed when he should...it's drives me to exhaustion sometimes. Emotional exhaustion sometimes. I can't imagine doing all that with a newborn. You are great. You are a wonderful mother who has real feelings. You aren't a robot and I commend you to for being honest. Getting it out there should help you feel empowered to change how you feel.
I will pray for you! Love you Shannon. I hope your counselors are able to help you during this tight time.
I love the rawness and realness of this post. Motherhood is NOT roses and rainbows. You probably have depression and can get help though. Talk to your doctor about depression. I've been there! Some people don't understand--I have a sister-in-law that bought me a book on happiness because she thought I should just snap out of it. And don't feel bad about taking medicine if you think you need it--as Mormons we don't turn to alcohol or drugs or other things; we need our antidepressants! lol Anyway, I wish there was more I could do for you but I'm not keeping my head above water too well myself right now.
Wow! You have some incredible comments! And some great people that support and love you. My thoughts: I've been there. And I hate it. Get the help you need, take the breaks you need. And good for you! for not keeping it all inside! Take care!
I'm sorry you're struggling, but it's good to know we're not alone. I only have one child and sometimes I feel the same way. My sister seemed to struggle a lot after her third child too--that's just a lot of kids and demands on your time. Someone once told me that the best thing about having kids is that they grow up one day, and as they get older you'll have more time for yourself. Though it sounds like now would be a good time to do something for yourself.
I had a much needed cry out the other day, just from being overwhelmed. I had my 2 boys and was babysitting as usual. It was a long day. I was overwhelmed and and frustrated. I tell you this to let you know that you are not alone. I hope that makes you feel a little sense of comfort.
So many good comments! I just wanted to add my love.
I like what you said about owning up to how you feel whether it's rational or not. I feel that way too. I'm proud of you for venting your emotions and not pretending you're not feeling them. That is probably the first step towards feeling better. The second for me is prescription medication!!! I've been taking Wellbutrin for 2 or 3 years now and I can proudly say that it changed my life and gave me the ability to cope with life. If you get to that point, don't think any less of yourself. I love love love you and think you are amaaaaazing no matter what you do or don't accomplish. (and I miss you!!!)
i'm sorry shannon. i know my opinion isn't worth anything since i'm not a mom, so i won't even try. all i can say is that i think you are amazing. honestly. you are. that's all. sending you tons and tons of hugs from the midwest!
My friend Jill just wrote two really awesome posts on postpartum that I thought you might want to check out. http://jillanddane.blogspot.com/
You are so brave for being a mom and taking on those responsibilities involved. But you're doing it because you're fully capable of it! Love your guts.
To be completely honest with you Shannon it has taken me until literally a couple of months ago for me to finally say "I can really do this" and find a lot more happiness in handling the 3 kid thing. And Chase turns 2 next week. Now that may not give you much hope...but it does to me. 2 years and I am feeling like me again. Completely. And Happy. And happy to be a Mom. And feeling like all 3 boys I can handle (most of the time.) So, there is a light. ANd I really and truly do get where you are at. We are all different so I cannot say I totally understand...but going to three really was hard for me. Hense while we are most seriously taking a little break. Hang in there cousin. I sure do love you.
I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. I don't know if it is easier to deal with with a brand-new baby, or later on. My depression/mood swings didn't really hit until about a month or so ago, though I noticed smaller changes a few months before that. Hormones are crazy things. We can't control them. I've done the therapist thing in the past and it does help. I hope you are feeling better soon and get everything worked out. I wish I was there to help you out. =)
Oh Shannon Kay I'm so sorry this is when you call me and say come help me! I'm closer than anyone else and I love you! This is about the time of year I have major issues but I'm here for you and you're there for me! You're my sister I'll be there for you when you need anything. Love you tons. Don't feel guilty... Brad tells me all the time and I know..we can't help it. I feel guilty when I come home after a long day of 8 hours on my feet faking my way through customer and customer like each one of them is my best friend and having no energy to clean dishes, or do laundry when really we had a long day! I love you and you're a great mom. Feel better and I miss you!
I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. It looks like you have a bunch of helpful and supportive friends and family out there to help lift you up. You are not alone! Thanks for being honest in your blog. I think too many moms feel like they can't admit to depression or defeat. Keep your head up! :) If you ever need a friend to talk or something, I'm free (after work).
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