It shone the light more fiercely than normal on the part of me that feels hollow and empty. I love my children. This isn't even remotely about that. I have no regrets about having kids. They are fabulous, smart, funny, and seriously adorable. But somehow I still feel like I lost myself in the process of becoming a mother. I go through the motions. I do the same things I have done for the past 4 years. Some of it fun and a little exciting, and some of it so mundane it makes me want to scream. Since being a mom is all I do these days, all I seem to have room for in my life, it leaves me wondering what is left of ME. Who I was before I had kids. I don't even recognize myself anymore. Every once in awhile I get glimpses of the "old" me and it makes me smile and laugh and feel a little more carefree for awhile.
I am going to be 27 this year. Yipes. So I know I'm not alone in the little crisis I was having this weekend, so if you have any advice or insights let me know. For now my plan of action is to figure out something to do (a hobby, if you will) and someone to do it with (a friend. Anyone???). I'm hoping that spending a little more real time being Shannon and not Mommy will help me reconnect with that "old" self and make the current me more happy, more filled rather than hollow, and then, maybe then, I will be able to really figure out how to move forward and be the best person I can be now.
16 comments:
A couple of months ago a friend listed her long term goals on her blog. Her LIFE goals--the ones that could not possibly be done in one, two, or ten years. It got me thinkign about what my long term goals are--what I want to BE and HAVE DONE when I'm Grandma Snowball's age. It was surprisingly uplifting and motivating for me to do the same. I love being able to put daily actions in the perspective of my life goals. It makes the everyday actions seem to have more long term purpose.
I've also found, since becoming a stay-at-home mama, that starting a new hobby (for me, sewing) has made the transition so so smooth. I love having things I do that are outside of changing diapers. Even though I'm quite content to change diapers too, you know? Balance is always a good thing.
Love you.
Shan--
first of all: a hug. Big SQUEEZE. Hope you felt that.
second of all: I think I have one of these crises about once a week. I usually cry and then feel silly for not being content with all that I have. but the honest truth is that it is hard to feel... meaningful and peaceful at the same time for me. There is ALWAYS a reason for me to be dissatisfied with life.
Yesterday-- and don't go blabbing this to everyone, k?-- I was very seriously questioning whether any of my friends even really cared about me. I felt like I was making all the efforts, all the emails, all the phonecalls and invites. I was bemoaning whether any one would even notice or care if I stopped putting forth the effort on relationships. What does this crisis have to do with yours? Not much, actually. :) Yours is much more grounded in rational dilemma while mine is based on a fear with plenty of evidence to combat it.
But, the thing I realized as I was working through it (with lots of tears and sighs and an eternally patient husband who reassured me that OF COURSE my friends cared about me), that the trouble was:
I was focusing too much on ME and ought to think more about OTHER people who probably felt the exact same way. What was I doing to make OTHER people feel loved and special and thought of?
Okay, so how does this apply? Well, maybe part of your 'hobby' time can be service. Not obligatory service like you give for your spouse and kids, but something special for friends or neighbors that helps bring the spirit into your day. I find that always lifts my spirits and helps me feel like I am SOMEONE who is NEEDED, not just an automaton who can write good essays that no-one wants to talk/hear about anyway.
if it makes you feel any better, i feel the same way too sometimes. i started feeling it since i finished school and got married. I think it was probably because once i got married and finished school, i didn't know what my next step was supposed to be. i figured it was kids, just not right away, so ive been in the meantime ive been in a limbo stage. and so don't worry....this kind of things happens to all of us. i'm sure it's not your mom-ness or kiddies, since they seem great and you do an amazing job. I think these kinds of things and feelings just come from time to time. i think picking up a hobby is a great idea. i wish i could volunteer to do it with you....i'm always looking for something and someone new and fun to hang out with.
i also agree with the above comment. it's always fun to look for something to do for someone else. it totally helps. :)
you're awesome, shannon, and i'm sure you will figure all of this out. you are a great mom, but it is so important for you to focus on yourself as well sometimes. :)
hugs!
p.s. you and your hubby should try to go on a fun getaway. it may help at least with the mundane day to day feelings. just a thought.
I really think it's harder when you only have little ones. When my first 2 were little that was my hardest stage of motherhood thus far. When they start to get older you can talk to them more and hopefully feel like you are still being you. You still have to be their mom, but they do turn into people you can have conversations with, etc.
But yes, you still have to take time out for yourself.
You're definetely not alone in the way you're feeling :) You're doing a great thing and remember it is just a stage of life- even though the mundane stuff seems to go on forever!
I understand how you feel. I've been trying to remember what I liked to do before I was a mom--and then adjust it in a way that I can still do it. Hence my book blog.
I think you also need some time away from the kids. I know I could use a break from Ivy right now.
Shannon, let's switch jobs for a day (or week, or month...). I am sooo ready to be a stay at home mom instead of the bread winner, and I bet you are soooo ready to get some old Shannon-rec-therapist groove on! :)
I know what you're talking about. I reached a point a few years ago where I had accomplished every single one of those goals you set when you're younger. It was weird! I have long-term goals, but nothing for personal development in the here and now. It made it hard for me to feel like an interesting person. After a lot of praying, thinking, and talking with my husband, I determined a few talents that I wanted to develop and/or improve. I haven't had as much time to do these things, but it has helped me have a little more focus in my life. Living the same day-in, day-out life with little ones is intensely challenging because there is so much of the same. Don't worry--these things don't last forever. You'll get your groove back! :)
poor girl. yes i think we all feel that way sometimes. i get confused when i think about how much time we all have to put in to doing things we'd rather not. i think it'd be so great if you pick a hobby. something you don't know how to do but have always wanted. just don't be scared to try something new! find something that gets you excited and inspired and go for it. and keep us posted! and promise to give yourself time to do it each week. it's important that you have time for YOU!
Sending in my friend application now! But I'll probably be turned down because of the whole living in different states thing. Which is unfortunate because I felt like I was reading about myself in your post...I feel your painful emptiness!
My "job" is so mundane I feel like I'm going to scream if I have to do one more load of laundry or make one more meal that nobody appreciates.
So I MAKE myself do one of my "hobbies" every week. For me, it's reading, working out and decorating my house. None of which are easy to do with kids around but I make it a point to do it anyways. Today I sat on the couch with the kids while they watched a movie and I read a book. Somehow, having my body in the same room lessens their need to seek me out every five minutes. Last week, I painted my fridge in the garage while the kids played in the front yard. And 4-5 days a week I workout while Zander takes a nap. I guess the point of my ramblings is, don't wait for the day when you have a couple hours to devote to yourself because those days are rare. Snatch the little windows of time to work on things that make you happy. Those little windows of "me" time help keep me feeling happy and fulfilled.
And if that doesn't work, Ben & Jerry's always does ;)
Okay, I just read through all these comments and I have a feeling that we all go through this. Too bad I could just relate a little too much to this post. Really. I totally relate. Love you Shannon! I hope you find a fun hobby. Why do you think I am an obsessive crafter and volunteer to do way too many thing. (well besides the fact I cannot say no too well) I need outs. Girls nights. (Our ward put together a "girls night" once every month. Usually we just chat and eat and play games at someones house, but really it is nice to get away. I am also part of a pictionary group. Kind of different, but really this is my favorite get away. If you want to know more about it let me know. And I am not even a game person.)
i've been feeling that way too, and i'm not even a mom! just since being married and moving and leaving my teaching job (and friends), i've been having a bit of an identity crisis myself.
i think God's using this time to teach me that my true identity is found in Him, not my job or my friends or my husband. sounds cliche, but i really needed to remember that lesson. and as i currently do little more than babysit a 5-year-old, cook, and clean, i felt like i needed some purpose in all of that, some way to use the talents and abilities i've been given. something that i think teaching really used to give me.
in the meantime, while i'm trying to figure out who i am outside of the things i used to do, it's helped me to be in the Word everyday and pray through it all. God's helping me figure out how the old "me" fits into this new life i don't really recognize. and maybe this new me is a little more Christ-centered than me-centered.
i like what your friend elisa said about service - i've found that pouring into others (in a way that doesn't drain you!) gives me some purpose and excitement and helps me to see outside of myself.
praying for you! and sending you a hug. :)
Shannon, lets be friends! I can come over with Evelyn and my sewing machine. Do you know how to sew? I'm not to good so I want to learn. I think it would be much more fun to try it with someone else.
the best part about picking a new hobby is that so many of them can be useful in service too. baking, sewing, crafting, music-making... so many could benefit from one little hobby. good luck--i'm excited to hear what ends up helping (and I'll be taking notes for future reference :)
So my sister-in-law is about 13 weeks pregnant. She was just blogging about how she is scared to give up so much of herself. I had no comforting words, just a big: "Get ready because you do!"
That said I think the hobby is a great idea. I rely on sewing and scrapbooking for my sanity. I even count cooking as a "me time" as long as I can keep the kids away (which doesn't always happen).
Wish I was closer! I want to take up jewelry making next. It would be great to have a buddy to share it with.
Oh Shannon. Love ya. Have you ever thought about making a bucket list? My friend who hasn't been able to conceive decided to make and tackle a bucket list instead of waiting around sulking. It has done wonders for her. She now is a popular portrait photographer and is planning on adopting. My point is it really helped her sort herself out better and move forward. Just a thought for what it's worth.
Sister! I don't have kids but I have a very same old same old job so I understand, why do you think i'll do anything to come just hang out with yoU? I'm trying to think of a hobby for you! I want to do crafts! I learned how to mod pod things. Next time I come down I'll bring a fun craft for us to do! Also maybe swimming again will help that was a big part of you when you were in high school, or play your piano more, try to learn 5 new songs a month! I need a piano, I haven't played on in forever! I hope some of these ideas help, I love you and i'll see you when the snow melts~!
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